Of course, now I am going through the regular drill, "Okay, if Evan is down for a nap, that means I have approx. 2 hours to get something done without an 18-month old attached to my hip . . .which task should it be? Should I focus on cleaning the boys' rooms, organizing their summer clothes, cleaning our bedroom (which is the worst by the way), pay a few bills or fold laundry?" Well, I choose blogging - none of the above. After all, these tasks will always be waiting for me, but the sweet smiles and innocence of my babies will pass me by like a ship in the night if I don't pay close attention. Yup, I choose to blog - better to always put first things first.
This weekend, like most others, I was given a ton of reminders of all that we have to be grateful for. Our holiday plans included a trip to one of Dan's college friend's house for a pool party. A great reminder of the strength of solid friendships. No matter the distance. The kind of friendships that are easy, natural and so unbelievably refreshing.
The boys were worn out after a hard day of swimming - Owen fell asleep the moment we got to the hotel. Drew, on the other hand, was so excited to stay at a hotel. It wasn't his first time at a hotel, but it had been over a year or so, and it was obvious that he was enjoying the experience. He thanked Daddy for finding such an 'awesome' hotel room. And when Dan asked Drew if he wanted to snuggle in the morning, Drew said, "It would be my pleasure." Where he learns these expressions, no one knows. But man, do I enjoy listening to him talk.
This trip took us to central Illinois and since Dan took ownership of the travel logistics for this weekend, he surprised me with a hotel in Champaign and an impromtu visit to U of I's campus! What a thoughtful surprise! Definitely, one of my most amazing blessings strongly reaffirmed over the weekend is my amazing husband who gives me reason after reason to love him more and more each day. And he didn't just plan a casual trip to 'stop by' U of I. He planned the kind of visit where he was committed to showing the boys each and every special place at U of I where we shared memories. My freshman dorm that Dan had driven to in the middle of the night a countless number of times (because we were so silly 'in love' that it didn't matter the distance, or time of day, or lack of money . . . . :). Dan even showed the boys the keypad at my dorm where he called me when he arrived in the wee hours of the morning. This was such a sweet moment for me to watch Dan showing our boys 'our story.'
Dan and I proceeded to show the boys each each and every place I lived on campus (which always reminds me of my Dad's comment that his arms are now six inches longer from all of my moves!). The heat was intense - but the temperature did not deter Dan from his mission to visit these sites; neither did the endless amount of construction that prevented us from taking a clear walking path from one place to another.
Here is my freshman dorm:
Sorority house for sophomore year:
Junior year in Spain (sorry, haven't yet taken the boys on this tour yet . . . )
Senior year in apartment at Third and Chalmers:
And finally, apartment at Third and John for grad school:
We also spent some time playing on the quad and at the Alma Mater.
We visited the business quad and buildings where Mommy had classes:
And by the end of the day, we were exhausted!
Thank you Dan for your thoughtfulness. With all that we have going on each day, it is so amazing that you would take the time to think about what would make me happy and then take the time and energy to execute upon it. I appreciate you tremendously. Thank you for being everything to me. You were the person that I wanted with me during college making all of those memories and and you are still the person that I want beside me to make more memories. Thank you for being my best friend, an incredible father to our children and for remaining one of the most loving people I know.
Thank you in particular for this life. This love and this life is what I dreamed about so longingly at U of I. And walking around on campus with our children in tow this weekend reminded me that now we are living it. No matter what challenges we've faced, I thank you for our teamwork and for staying true to knowing what is important and working together to invest in it like crazy. I love you so very much.
You will notice from the photos above that something was missing from this weekend - my little Evan-bear was not present. I was a bit wishy-washy about the decision not to bring Evan with us, but it was probably a good idea from a safety perspective not to bring Evan given that we would be going to a pool and with water around, we don't mess around. Drew and Owen can be enough of a handful; not to mention an 18-month-old that has no fear. Evan got to stay with Grandma and Grandpa Niebruegge overnight and got to be the king of the castle for once without older brothers stealing attention and toys from him. It was apparent when we picked Evan up how much fun he had. It was nice for him to enjoy the spotlight for once, I'm sure.
But leaving Evan on Saturday morning was hard for me; in fact I almost changed my mind at the last minute. I tried to avoid any bad thoughts, but I just couldn't shake them (and in fact, I couldn't say them out loud to Dan for fear of somehow jinxing myself). I thought, "What if something happened to all of us during this trip and Evan would forever wonder what happened to his family. He is only 18-months-old, would he even remember us? Would he wonder why he didn't get to go with us on this trip?" Thank goodness we made it home safely and Evan is snuggled in my lap as I type this.
I try really hard not to worry, but I'm not always very good at managing my fears; and unfortunately, I know that it is only going to get harder. For now, I can generally control the environment that my children are exposed to. I can keep them close to me and keep harm away. But I know that with age comes independence, and with independence comes the potential for danger and I would be lying if I said this didn't freak me out a little.
Although this fear greatly pales in comparison to the myriad of rich events and moments in our home and therefore, it fades to the background of our life; there are times where I remember, if but for a moment, the reality of how powerless we are to control life for our children. I believe that it is simply a test of faith and I try to be strong. I know that it's related to the searing vulnerabilty loving a child brings and I'm sure that everyone feels it at different places along the journey. I love these boys so deeply, so fiercely, so wholly that the thought of them not being okay is more painful than that of my own well-being. There is a natural fear in parenthood. My job is to find an appropriate place for it, not to bury it completely but to manage it, to never let it outshine our zest for life and adventure. Sometimes, I think that it is good to go there. To think about the what-ifs and sympathize with the families that do experience this reality. And it's uncomfortable and sad. Sometimes terribly sad. In fact, there are two families that have been weighing on my heart significantly in the last year. But I try to remain steadfast in my faith and the beautiful process of God's ups and downs, victory and defeat. They depend upon each other. We wouldn't know defeat if we didn't have victory to measure it against, and we wouldn't understand that happiness is so wonderful if we couldn't compare it with lesser days of disappointment.
Happy Birthday, America. And we're off to watch some fireworks.
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